Whenever new tickets go on sale I'll let everyone on my mailing list know. A star of Mock The Week, Live at The Apollo and Celebrity Pointless he has also written for 8 Out Of 10 Cats and 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, A League Of Their Own, The British Comedy Awards and The News Quiz. The label inside declares, 'May contain traces of nuts'. He got 25 days, 39. Watch as many good comics as you can. by Team Scary Mommy. Thursday 23 November 2023. A nervous wreck, 10. Who is Santas favourite singer? 27 of Sarah Millicans laugh out loud jokes A Christmas quacker, 3. 5/2/22 . One of the most sought after joke writers in the country and longstanding Mock the Week special guest, Gary has been through the laughing glass and he's ready to bring you a brand new show with hit after hit of the kind of one-liners only a . Patricia Kopta, then 52, was declared dead in the US after she disappeared from her Pittsburgh home in 1992. Id say why not? Shed say its hers. Lee Mack, I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. Music Is A Weapon | Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In | George. Don't worry, I've not forgotten you! Whos Rudolphs favourite singer? 70.4K Likes, 392 Comments. We couldn't afford a dog." Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email. 26 of Stewart Lees most gloriously acerbic jokes Firstly, you should always check that the application youre downloading is freeand its compatible for the platform youre using. 11:51. Please dont let Kevin Bacon die! Bill Murray, I bought myself some glasses. This will allow you to save your files anywhere you want. Dark one liners from the brilliant Gary Delaney!#j oke # j okes # d arkhumour # o neliners # c omedy # s tandupcomedy # g arydelaney # f unny # f unnyvideos # f y # f ypage # f yp. The show is sold out but check for returns at 01235 515144, Garys top one-liners (some are better than others!). Tour: Gary Delaney.com Twitter@GaryDelaney Facebook/Tik-tok/Instagram @GaryDelaneyComedian This is a version of my first Live at the Apollo that the BBC used on their social media. 12. 25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes And its for that reason that he lost his job as chair of the British Book Cover Awards panel. What has four wheels and flies? What did Adam say the day before Christmas? One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. Really watch comics whove just done better than you to the same audience. 11:51. 50 of the funniest Friends quotes and jokes. If it were on Radio 4, she should have said Dont forget the poobags. Live theres no safety net. old neighbours episodes. 20 of The Young Ones most gloriously silly quotes - Michael McIntyre. download Misheard Peter Kay The Tour That Didn t Tour Tour mp3 If youre looking to download MP3 songs at no cost, there are numerous things you need to consider. The 20 most nonsensical quotes from the W1A team Expand this out to the impact on workers and lots more people will be working from home. Gary Dalaney was asked to come up with the festive funnies. A long jumper, 29. 3 minutes of one liners by gary delaney. He never reads any of mine. Spike Milligan, The anti-ageing advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, Aah, Ive used too much! Andrew Bird, I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Nick Helm, A few decades ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. United Kingdom garydelaney.com Born April 16 Joined March 2009 2,290 Following 115.3K Followers Tweets Tweets & replies Media Likes Pinned Tweet Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals. Peter Kay, Whoever said nothing is impossible obviously hasnt tried nailing jelly to a tree. John Candy, 50 of Jimmy Carrs funniest jokes and one-liners, Shes great, my Nan. At least we know it's coming. Apparently Dance like no one is watching doesnt mean With your cock out. 25 Feb/23. 4/620, Amul Nagar, 4th Street, Thirunagar East Extension, Ponmalai Post, Trichy - 620 004. Are you sure you want to delete this comment? ' Tim Vine, I do all the exercises every morning in front of the television up, down, up, down, up, down. What happened to Santa when he went speed dating? Honestly its madness gone politically correct. Jimmy's Best One Liners | Jimmy Carr. Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners Put the funny bit at the end of your jokes and minimise the gaps between funny bits. She sells seashells on the seashore. Milton Jones, So Im at the Wailing Wall, standing there, like a moron, with my harpoon. Emo Philips, A hotel minibar allows you to see into the future and find out what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020. Rich Hall, A spa hotel? 0:58. remember memory film. Talking casually gives you more leeway for jokes. Music Is A Weapon | Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In | George. A new claim for PIP or Adult Disability Payment could help with daily living or mobility costs. I think the hardest part of making skimmed milk must be throwing the cows across the lake. It's called integrity. There have, however, been some unlucky losers. Select a Page: Hide Navigation; Cabaret. Copy it to easily share with friends. I thought, thats Abba-riginal. Tim Vine, I think the worst thing about driving a time machine is your kids are always in the back moaning, Are we then yet? Paul F. Taylor, Two monkeys were getting into the bath. TikTok video from Funny Beeseness (@funnybeeseness): "Dark one liners from the brilliant Gary Delaney!#joke #jokes #darkhumour #oneliners # . I think its sad the word legend has been devalued from pulling a sword from a stone to unexpectedly returning with crisps. What does a football team do when the pitch is flooded? On a snow day, the news is weather is travel.". What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal. Paul F Taylor, A man walked into the doctors. Crewe Lyceum Theatre, Heath Street, Crewe, Cheshire, CW1 2DA. . I was the only thing between H and JK. Simon Evans, Im entering the worlds tightest hat competition. 3:07. And youll have a really big restaurantMark Simmons, Im rubbish with names. Hisssstory, 19. - Jimmy Carr. A Christmas quacker 3. No, she says shed rather have it in a cup. Eric Morecambe, My granddad always said never judge a book by its cover. 25 of the greatest Absolutely Fabulous quotes, darling 5:09. I spent this morning swanning around the town centre, I hissed at people and broke a mans arm. 4 yr. ago. Newsquest Media Group Ltd, Loudwater Mill, Station Road, High Wycombe, Buckinghamshire. I said: I want to make a complaint this vinegars got lumps in it. He said: Those are pickled onions. Tim Vine, My grandfather invented the cold air balloon but it never really took off. Milton Jones, I moved to a well-to-do area. Their days are numbered, 45. Lots of the gags I'd already used on Mock the Week but Apollo is a much bigger platform so you do a greatest hits set. With over two decades of experience, Kris Major has explained how indulging in that on board meal could make you miss out on crucial rest. Its been 11 years since Dave launched the Funniest Joke of the Fringe award, and there have been some worthy winners over the years. He goes on: Dont speak too fast, stick to your time, do a little pause before the funny bit, dont waffle, fake confidence, hold the mike near your mouth, be polite, and stay in the light. My Uncles a lion tamer, when he went bankrupt they took nearly everything, but at least hes still got his pride. steve kuhnau biography. Read more: Stewart Lee's hilarious defence of political correctness (and weird stuff about raining sharks). Gary Delaney is a razor sharp one-liner comedian, widely regarded as being the most quotable comic on the circuit. sneaky burger. A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. I could talk about classic card games all day. Aatif Nawaz, My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. "I had a survey done on my house. If you push that down and twist it, hes full of sweets. Sean Lock, My problem with The Grand Canyon is Americans are too proud of it for my liking. 25 of Charlie Brookers most cutting jokes and insults But it all just sounded like haw he saw he haw he haw. The study of why triangular sandwiches taste better is known as trigonom-nom-nomnometry. Comedian Gary Delaney presents Gagster's Paradise in a fun-filled laughter show that doesn't feature the US rapper Coolio. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, then what youve lost is a pigeon. Sara Pascoe, It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it youre adding raisins and marshmallows its a rocky road. Olaf Falafel, Somebody just gave me a shower radio. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. Steven Wright, Id like to start with the chimney jokes Ive got a stack of them. gary delaney one liners. OccamsWhiskers. As a subscriber, you are shown 80% less display advertising when reading our articles. Club Sponsor. On the dark side, 47. Postecoglou is already working to improve his squad in the summer as he gets set for a huge double-header with Hearts. song that gets water out your speaker. If youre uncertain about which to choose, then . If you are dissatisfied with the response provided you can Ludacris) Missy Elliott 00:30 687 One-Liners (Loneliness) Heidi Foss 01:00 0 One Minute Study Music & Sounds & Deep Sleep & Yoga Workout Music 01:00 844 Outside NINEONE# 00:32 507 One Minute Song Ameen Taahir Russian dolls are so full of themselves. I thought it was quite a clever title, but quite a few times Ive turned up at venues and seen that my posters have been have graffitied to say Ginsters Paradise instead. gary delaney 9 minutes one liners. Woman who disappeared over three decades ago is found alive in Puerto Rico. Why was the turkey in a band? What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck? I was the last act recorded on the second show but the order was changed when it was shown on TV to show me as the opener. Performing. This event is for 16 and over - No refunds . The reasoning being as follows. Emposter. Can you smell carrots?, 17. 5. what is true of agile pm and large projects? What do reindeer put on their Christmas trees? By riding an icicle, 43. What is the definition of "making love"? I listen to people talking and how they use language, he says. Thug punches pair in savage unprovoked night-time attack on Glasgow street. He felt Claus-trophobic, 41. Gary Delaney: Gary in Punderland. 9:07. contact the editor here. Now, for the first time, comes the first collection of his finest jokes. Those ads you do see are predominantly from local businesses promoting local services. Joke book 'Pundamentalist' out too. From Hazel Gowland of Allergy Action: From Top Ten Jokes at Edinburgh Fringe - No.5 Gary Delaney "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell.". Gary Delaney is another comic who can take the one-liner to the darker side. jock itch healing stages pictures. Not so long ago the former kids television presenter was forced to deny he was Banksy. Fishing One Liners It doesn't happen often, but now and again we'll come across a fishing joke that we can't stop thinking about. Thats tapasMark Nelson, Red sky at night. day in the life katylee. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer came second.Will Duggan, Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated.Tiff Stevenson, I often confuse Americans and Canadians. Then the other eyelid. Ken Dodd, I like rice. I choose round. Sarah Millican, When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. We couldn't afford a dog." Two shows are recorded back to back with the same audience. Nine minutes of one liners from Gary Delaney | Live At The Apollo Just nine minutes of solid gold one liners from Gary Delaney! Guests will have a chance to try their hand at games such as 'Cannae Whack It', 'Skee-Baw' and 'Slam Drunk'. BBC Comedy - Nine minutes of one liners from Gary Delaney | Live At The Apollo Log In I hate necks.". I shouted Stop! but if anything that made it worse. Post author: Post published: February 16, 2022 Post category: gymnastika pre deti dubravka Post comments: cooper hospital kronos login cooper hospital kronos login Time to get a new fence, 24. inaccuracy or intrusion, then please Theyre relentless. Mitch Hedberg, I rang up British Telecom and said: I want to report a nuisance caller. He said: Not you again. Tim Vine, Its amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. Jerry Seinfeld, I was in my car driving back from work. Gary Delaney, one-liner extraordinaire, has appeared on shows like Mock The Week and written for the likes of Jimmy Carr, Jason Manford, and James Corden. Nine minutes of one liners from Gary Delaney | Live At The Apollo View Transcript My grief counselor died recently but Luckily, he was so good. How does Darth Vader like his Christmas turkey? Hes not dead, just very condescending. Jack Whitehall, Im so ugly, my father carries around the picture of the kid that came with his wallet. Rodney Dangerfield, I said to the gym instructor: Can you teach me to do the splits? He said: How flexible are you? I said: I cant make Tuesdays. Tim Vine, I like the Pope. Youll progress.. contact IPSO here, 2001-2023. Gary Delaney. Nine minutes of one liners from Gary Delaney | Live At The Apollo | The last time I did something for 9 minutes it wasn't nearly as funny as this. "Normally you have news, weather and travel. ' Jerry Seinfeld, I was not a particularly small child. What did the farmer get for Christmas? 50 of the best lines from Peep Show Famous in the comedy world for his perfectly formed jokes, how does he craft his gags? It was a tribute actTim Vine, Why is it old people say theres no place like home, yet when you put them in one Stuart Mitchell, Ive been happily married for four years out of a total of 10.Mark Watson, Apparently one in three Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit.Mark Smith, I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasnt much use. More Funniest Jokes And One-Liners. gary delaney 9 minutes of one liners. Despite the best efforts of police and paramedics, the man was pronounced dead at the scene. Scots cop who snared World's End serial killer demands justice for other victims. - Sara Pascoe. But he wasnt involved in the fighting. A Gannett Company. Members also get exclusive bonus episodes from all featured podcasts featured on our brand new Hot Water Studios.Live Stream schedule - https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLk3dQ67cxDLHFWfD_V6j1kwFCb6ZvqUNbMember only content - https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=UUMOG1QXvv8CME3I6yts0IevTAFor Hot Water Comedy Club tickets, social media and information about our brand new 2022 venue please check out our mini website - https://linktr.ee/hotwatercomedyclub Yes. Damien Slash, I was thinking of running a marathon, but I think it might be too difficult getting all the roads closed and providing enough water for everyone. Jordan Brookes, Im going to donate my body to science, and keep my Dad happy he always wanted me to go to medical school. Lee Mack, A sandwich walks into a bar. It's a couple of minutes longer than the standard TV version, thought interestingly there's also half a dozen jokes they cut, which I'll stitch together and add in a new video soon. . He keeps a yule logbook. 5:09. Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window), Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window), Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window), Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window), Click to email a link to a friend (Opens in new window), Click to share on Reddit (Opens in new window), Click to share on Tumblr (Opens in new window), View fivethingstodotodays profile on Facebook. How did Mary and Joseph figure out baby Jesus was exactly 7lb 9oz? With a bag full of quick one-liners, comedian Gary Delaney is a favorite around the comedy club circuit around the UK. | By BBC Comedy Wine Sipping Elitist. Kate Garraway's husband Derek's final words as he thought he was about to die. The one-liner: it's the bread and butter of stand-up comedy. Fairground for adults to open in Glasgow with themed games and selection of cocktails. Gary Delaney Verified account @GaryDelaney. Because her coach was a pumpkin, 46. Frankly I love it, he says. what to do when he breaks your heart. I was a test-tube baby. Billy Connolly, Im sure wherever my Dad is: hes looking down on us. 45 of Ricky Gervais funniest jokes Ears? Jimmy's Best One Liners | Jimmy Carr. How did Santa feel when he got stuck in a chimney? This website and associated newspapers adhere to the Independent Press Standards Organisation's It was my turn to walk him, and as I was leaving the house my wife reminded me: Dont forget poobags?. Yeah. stained bathroom floor. Featuring the likes of: Garden centres can't reopen fast enough for me, I've been living on borrowed thyme. The big striker was at his best and Beale is delighted to have him fit and firing again. Yeah. "I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. Joke book 'Pundamentalist' out too. 3.8K Likes, 34 Comments. Never Explain! Sorry, thats my motto. Chris Turner, I remember doing security at the Brits a few years back when it all kicked off between Steps and Jamiroquai. Or does that make me a bad teacher? 25 of the most textbook Alan Partridge quotes fb.watch slim63 Never surrender. TikTok to introduce 60-minute screen time limit for under-18s. 2022-03-22 2:22:18 PM +1 Subby. Paper Subscription to the Daily Record and Sunday Mail, Paper Subscription to the Paisley Daily Express, 2023 Scottish Daily Record and Sunday Mail Ltd, Meet the Big Issue seller who's walking tour sheds a light on Glasgow's hidden history, Woman reveals incredible seven stone weight loss and her new diet plan, Child Benefit payments will increase next month - here are the new weekly rates. Comedian Gary Delaney has announced a second Warrington show as part of his new tour due to popular demand. Elfis Presley. Gary Delaney is currently on his UK Gary in Punderland tour. I live by the seaside. Ken Dodd, You know youre getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. A tanker overturned on the A71 yesterday afternoon and a woman, 71, travelling in the minibus has been rushed to hospital. He was the genius. Sid Caesar, I used to think sticks and stones could break my bones but words could never hurt me until I fell into a printing press. Milton Jones, Why on earth do people say things like my eyes arent what they used to be. So what did they used to be? One of the most sought after joke writers in the country and longstanding Mock the Week special guest, Gary has been through the laughing glass and he's ready to bring you a brand new show with hit after hit of the kind of one-liners only a master . The anonymous man was flying to a work conference with his boss with an airline he uses a lot and was offered a first class seat. I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell.Gary Delaney, I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. 2. 9 minutes of Oneliners. star of Live at the Apollo and sell-out sensation Gary Delaney is back! A man ran up to me shouting, Big hole in the ground full of water, big hole in the ground full of water, but at least he means well. Ive given up making innuendos for Lent, but its getting really hard now and Im not sure if I can pull it off. CCTV captured the horrifying incident in full and graphic detail. I remember one time, I went to the zoo and saw an elephant. We couldn't afford a dog." Dec 9, 2018. Theres a name for itJimeoin, I have two boys, 5 and 6. Write every day. Shouldve been called Look Whos Hawking, thats my only criticism James Acaster, Ive written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldnt fit it into my set.Masai Graham, I wanted to do a show about feminism. What do snowmen wear on their heads? Nine minutes of one liners from Gary Delaney | Live At The Apollo | The last time I did something for 9 minutes it wasn't nearly as funny as this. Second Scots teaching union to ballot members on 'paltry' new pay offer. I keep about one in 20 of the jokes I write, so I have to write and test over 4,000 to make a new tour show.. I got seven Cs. [Lock down Special] 101 Funny One Liners. Tributes paid to 'formidable' Scots community stalwart who lost battle with cancer. What's a horse's favourite TV show?. Oddly enough it's feminists, One of the UK's smallest towns has an award-winning pub and England's oldest fishing society, Where to get Greatest Hits Radio on FM and DAB and when Ken Bruce starts, The golden health rules GPs live by, including why you should ditch your weekend lie-ins, The Government delay of the Pensions Dashboard may well cost you tens of thousands of pounds, 'The man is a narcissist': Tories despair as 'bully' Boris Johnson threatens Sunak's new start, Government WhatsApp decision-making threatens 'accountability', warns Information Commissioner, David Attenborough reportedly giving up on-location filming for documentaries after new series, Prince Harry says smoking marijuana 'helped him mentally' in live TV interview, Government set to introduce new powers to crack down on small boat crossings next week, Do not sell or share my personal information. Celebrity chef Jamie Oliver shared top tips for cooking the 'perfect' roast potatoes. S_hinch69. What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? Doctor Who - Best One-Liners Take II. Do you really want music in the shower? 145+ One-Liner Jokes As Punny As They Are Funny. Three Different Versions & Various Artists 01:00 3923 One Minute Man (feat. But not on snow day. Its too far to walk, 6. "Gary Delaney has more quality jokes in one hour than many comics have in their entire careersquite brilliant" The Scotsman "I laughed and I laughed and I laughed" The Times "A hugely impressive collection of exquisitely crafted gags by one of Britain's grandmasters of the one-liner" Chortle . Nine minutes of one liners from Gary Delaney | Live At The Apollo | Just nine minutes of solid gold one liners from Gary Delaney! It takes me a loooong time to write a show with this many jokes in, he goes on. Gary with fellow comic wife Sarah Millican 2022-03-22 2:20:21 PM . 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I went to see a polish Pink Floyd tribute band, not only were they cheaper but they played The Wall in half the time. So we stopped playing chess. Matt Kirshen, Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesnt try it on. Billy Connolly, I like the Ten Commandments, but theres a problem with the ninth one. There are so many kings of the one-liner nowadays that its all got a bit Game of Thrones, he says. Comments have been closed on this article. Retired detective Allan Jones claims Sinclair should have been tried for the murders Anna Kenny, Hilda McAuley and Agnes Cooney. A comedians comedian, who else does he admire on the comedy circuit these days? . Here we present a selection of some of his best one-liners. 39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes Sailing Jokes One Liners Sailing Jokes One Liners Information Videos . The worst thing about living next door to MC Hammer is the constant DIY noise. How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces hes visited? Selling doors, door-to-door. Bill Bailey, My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what you start. Define One-liners. While much of his time is spent performing in front of the camera, he admits nothing comes close to playing live. Please, for the love of God, have the slightest bit of creativity and do not put the punchline of the joke in the title. 10:14. My French pen friend just said Le Monde, which means the world to me. What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck? The comedian's hilarious list of funnies is guaranteed to bring a bit of festive cheer to your day. Theyre on the way out! Tim Vine, I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Without pressure Id still be a conference organiser!, Talent is abundant, the willingness to work hard is rare, he says. The Inbetweeners star Greg Davies, veteran stand-up Jo Caulfield, and one-liner specialist Gary Delaney join host Dara O'Briain and regulars Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Andy Parsons. one-liner synonyms, one-liner pronunciation, one-liner translation, English dictionary definition of one-liner. [1] Thats 20 cows' Jake Lambert, A thesaurus is great. So I can tell by the headline that Subby is a fan of Gary Delaney? Bring on the subs. Shepherds delight.